


Look At Me

by ExplodedPen



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-18
Updated: 2006-06-18
Packaged: 2017-11-05 07:12:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/403767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExplodedPen/pseuds/ExplodedPen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The slow burn of knowing that everything you wanted is in front of you - but it's all for someone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Look At Me

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to The Libran Iniquity for reading this over for me.

_'Look at me',_ I beg silently, _'look at me, have me, love me, want me! Please, please just look. Not at him, don't go to him'._

Her eyes lock with mine, and she smiles. She looks so beautiful in her dress, so beautiful she's almost painful to watch. I love her, I love her more than I ever thought possible, and she's smiling - smiling at me. I grin broadly already imagining her in my arms again.

_'Don't marry him,'_ I plead, _'Marry me. Please, God, marry me, run away with me, be with me.'_

She gives me one last radiant smile tinged with a hint of sadness. For almost a second she falters in her steps. _'That's it,'_ I urge hopefully, _'don't have him, have me. You can't deny what happened between us.'_ I know my thoughts are wrong, I know my feelings are wrong, I know I shouldn't be thinking the way I am. She's my best friend's fiancée.

But I can't help it. I love her; I love her more completely than I've ever loved anyone before.

She turns away from me and smiles at him as she moves to stand by his side.

Then as they take their vows I plaster a happy smile on my face and pray that no one notices.

"If anyone here knows of any reason why these two may not be joined in holy matrimony, let you speak now, or forever hold your peace."

I imagine stepping forward, clutching hold of her and kissing her with a passion I've locked inside me. I imagine the complete and utter ecstasy at knowing she's finally mine. But then I imagine him being destroyed by a crushing betrayal.

I can't do it. I can't do that to him. But I want her so badly.

I briefly close my eyes and imagine that kiss one last time. When I opened them again the ceremony is continuing, and I paste another smile onto my face every word of their vows cutting into my heart. She looks at me again, and I realise that she wants me too. There's a lustful longing in her eyes, and for a second she looks torn.

But she looks at him and I see nothing but love in her eyes.

I know in my heart she does not feel for me the way I feel for her. After all there is a difference between love and lust.

"I do."

I wonder if the congregation can hear my heart shatter.


	2. Look At Them

_It's been so easy while they've been away on Honeymoon. I could wander the ship freely, with all thoughts of them locked in an embrace pushed from my mind - with varying degrees of success. I can't help thinking of her, the only time she is pushed from my mind is when I'm working and need to focus all my attention on one particular task. That's a skill I've learnt all too well over the years, thanks to a terrible romantic history._

_But now, they've returned all happy and loved up. It's visibly painful to see that; I went to say hello - after all I had no excuse not to, and the last thing I need is for Trip to start asking awkward questions because I've suddenly started ignoring him in his wedded bliss._

_Although I hate to admit that part of me wants Trip to know, a deluded little voice keeps wondering whether Trip would give Hoshi up to me if he knew how I felt – and it's an idiotic little voice that refuses to acknowledge reality. If Trip knew about my feelings for Hoshi and all that happened between us it'd crush him, I'd lose my best friend._

_But would I lose her?_

_No. I've got to stop this, no good will come of thoughts like this, I'm only torturing myself. I'm sure Hoshi isn't sparing any thoughts for me, not when she has him, not now she has a husband, not now she doesn't need me._

_I wonder (sometimes) if she truly meant what she said to me in that cave, when we thought we were going to die, I wonder if she truly meant it or whether she was lying just to make our last moments easier._

_I wonder if she thought I was lying._

_But maybe she meant what she said, when she told me she loved me, when I told her I loved her, when we held each other in that place. Both bloody battered and bruised. I thought I was going to die, but I kept forcing myself to stay awake so she wouldn't be alone._

_I remember thinking that if we were both going to die it didn't honestly matter whether she knew or not, I didn't think it mattered even though she was (already) dating Trip._

_She kissed me then, after my confession, and told me she felt the same._

_Her voice saying, "I love you..." was the last thing I heard before finally passing out. We shared something, something tangible, something meaningful - I know it! I wanted to ask her why she chose Trip over me, but it never came up in conversation - yeah, as if there could ever be a conversation starting with, "So, Hoshi, tell me why you've chosen my best friend over me even though you admitted you loved me."_

_But she did._

_She chose him over me._

_I can still remember waking up in Sickbay with Hoshi in the biobed beside me, I remember feeling numb - all over - in some drug induced haze, and I remember her smiling at me. I thought_ 'This is it, this is my time. She's the one, I know it.' _She sighed softly._

_Then Trip walked in and kissed her._

_When he left some time later I remember Hoshi turning to me and saying softly, "I can't do it to him."_

_"I don't understand."_

_She smiled that beautiful smile of hers, tinged with sadness, and then I knew. She had chosen Trip. "I can't leave him."_

_What about me? I wanted to ask, but couldn't._

_I wonder now if she even meant to kiss me that day, or if she honestly felt she couldn't leave Trip for me._

_Either way her choice hurt more than I thought possible, and still hurts today._

_Maybe I should just start to retreat from their lives bit by bit and hope they don't notice. It would hurt less in the long run. Maybe I should have transferred off the ship while I had the chance, slipped away while they were on honeymoon and claimed the need to start a new challenge..._

_Wait. What am I talking about? I could never have left the ship, this is my home, I don't want to leave!_

_I'm going in circles now. Needlessly torturing myself with 'ifs' and 'maybes', none of which will matter._

_For a brief moment Hoshi was mine, truly mine and mine alone, and before that she was shared between Trip and I, perhaps an odd thing to say._

_But she was mine once._

_Oh God, why did she choose him over me?_

0 0 0 0 0

It was the middle of the night; the mess hall had only one occupant slowly sipping a steaming mug and staring out the window, lost in his melancholy. Emotions flitted across his face, Trip stood in the doorway watching him. Finally Trip grabbed his own mug of coffee and went to sit beside him. "You're up late."

Malcolm's expression immediately became rigidly neutral and guarded. "I couldn't sleep. What about you?"

Trip shrugged. "Not tired, I guess."

Trip watched Malcolm again; Malcolm glanced over at him. "What is it, Trip?"

"You seem...off."

Malcolm stared into his mug, swirling the contents slowly. "Just having a spot of reflection." He smiled ruefully.

Trip nodded understandingly, he took a sip of his drink thoughtfully. "Is this because of me gettin' married?"

Malcolm's head shot up and his drink sloshed up the sides of his mug alarmingly. Trip stared at him, eyebrows raised. "I'll take that as a 'yes' then."

"Trip, I -" Malcolm began.

"Don't worry about it," said Trip, "I'm sure you'll find the right girl someday."

Malcolm visibly relaxed and he closed his eyes. "What if you've already found her?"

Trip grinned. "Malcolm, you dog! You've been holding out on me! When did this happen? Who is she?"

Malcolm smiled, and replied softly, "She's the one that got away." He took a sip of his drink. "She's married now," he glanced sideways at Trip, who merely nodded in sympathy.

"Sorry, Mal. Did she know how you felt? Or did it just not work out?" Trip prodded gently.

Malcolm studied his face for a moment, as if debating how to reply. "She knew how I felt, she even told me she loved me," he glanced at Trip again, wondering how far he could push it before Trip realised. "But in the end she chose someone else over me." He sighed. "I don't think I'll ever know why."

"She must have been insane," Trip declared, "I bet the guy she passed you up for was a real fool -"

Malcolm gave a hollow laugh at stared at Trip. "I'd love to say she did, but she really didn't."

"Oh," Trip sighed. "Was it serious?"

"Me and her?" Malcolm asked, and Trip nodded. "I've never loved anyone the same way since."

"You've never told me this before," said Trip after a pause.

Malcolm just shrugged, then after a moment's silence he rose quickly. "It doesn't matter; it was...a long time ago now. I should be going; you should be with your wife. Night, Trip."

Trip stood up and watched him leave. "Night, Mal."

0 0 0 0 0

 _Stupid! Stupid! STUPID!_

_What was I thinking? Why did I do that? Why? Why did I think it would be a good idea to tell Trip that?_

_I can't believe what an idiot I am. What did I expect him to say? He's going to suspect something._

_I can't believe I'm still torturing myself with this, I can't believe how close I came to letting slip too much and telling Trip everything. If he found out what happened...if he knew how I felt..._

_What kills me is he was so sympathetic, so concerned about me and my crappy feelings...if he knew the truth. It doesn't bear thinking about. I can't loose him as a friend, I just...can't. No one has ever befriended me like him; no one has ever spent so many years persevering with me._

_But I don't think I can give her up either, I know it's not my choice to make, I know I can't do a thing about it, I know things will only become ten times worse if I even attempt to reveal the truth..._

_Then why am I ready to risk years of friendship for her? I keep wondering what would have happened if she had turned to me in Sickbay, and chosen me over Trip._

_Would I have taken her in my arms, or would I have turned her down instead to spare my best friend? I'd like to think, in terms of friendship and honour, that I would choose the latter, sparing my best friend. But deep down, I know I would have gone with her, I would have cast him aside and trampled over his feelings to be with her._

_I would protect Trip with my life; I would risk almost everything to get him out of trouble._

_But... one word from Hoshi and I would take her from him in an instant. I would still save his life if need be, but I wouldn't spare his feelings...and I would do it all for her. I don't know what I hate more, what I would do if she chose me, or being without her now. I love her, I love her with everything I have, but I hate her for what she's doing to me, and I hate him more for trying to help me, for listening and being my friend. Because I know that to be with her if she chose me, I would betray him in a heartbeat._

_I wonder what he would do in my position._


	3. Look At Her

Trip entered his quarters, an odd niggling sensation in the back of his mind, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Pushing it to the back of his mind he stripped off to his skivvies and climbed into bed beside Hoshi. She smiled at him sleepily. "Where have you been?"

"Just to the mess hall, I couldn't sleep," he said quietly, moving closer to her. "Had a talk with Malcolm – "

"Malcolm?" Hoshi's eyes widened slightly and she seemed far more alert. "What did he say? I mean...is he alright?"

Trip nodded and yawned. "He was just telling me about a lost love." He felt Hoshi relax in his arms. "He'll be alright."

"What did he say?" Hoshi asked, turning to face him curiosity getting the better of her.

Trip closed his eyes and pulled up the covers further. "That's between me and him, darlin'. Night." He kissed her.

Long after Trip's breathing evened out Hoshi found herself staring into the darkness, thinking not about the man in her bed but the man on the other side of the ship. "I made my choice," she whispered to herself finally.

0 0 0 0 0

 _I can't sleep. I've been lying in bed staring at the ceiling for what feels like an eternity. I just can't sleep. That conversation with Trip... I can't get it out of my head. It's like there's some spiteful, destructive... bitter person somewhere inside of me who wanted me to keep pushing things further and further until Trip finally saw what was behind those pathetically vague references, and straight to the heart of the matter. Now there's true irony. Hearts, people's hearts are what got me into this mess in the first place._

_Damn it all..._

_I need to sleep, there's a mission tomorrow that I need to be prepared for. I'm no use to anyone if I'm only half awake, I could make sloppy mistakes endanger the lives of others._

_I should try and push the conversation from my mind. What's done is done, I can't change it. I can't change it anymore than I can change what happened with Hoshi or erase my feelings for her...sadly enough. Maybe I just need to let go of things, accept the fact that she will never be mine, accept the fact she's married to my best friend, if I let her go maybe things will become easier. Maybe it won't hurt so much._

_But I don't know how to let go of her._

_I don't know what to do..._

_I think I just need to sleep._

0 0 0 0 0

Malcolm leant against the wall of the turbo-lift staring blankly at the door, the turbo-lift came to a halt and slid open. Hoshi stepped inside after the briefest hesitation.

"Morning," she said brightly.

"Good morning," Malcolm managed fixing his gaze on the door, trying to avoid looking directly at her.

"I heard you talked with Trip last night," Hoshi's tone seemed to be light and conversational but Malcolm thought he could detect a hint of strain behind her words.

"Don't worry I didn't say anything, he doesn't-"

Malcolm was cut off by the turbo-lift emitting an odd screeching noise and grinding to a halt with a jerk causing them to grab hold of each other. The lights flickered once. With one arm round Hoshi and the other arm bracing himself against the wall Malcolm sighed. "Looks like the turbo-lift's broken down." He reached out with his free arm and tapped the comm. "Reed to Engineering."

The reply was almost instantaneous. "Tucker here. What's up Mal?"

"The turbo-lift's broken down, Hoshi's in here too."

"Hi," Hoshi said her eyes tightly squeezed shut as she fought to control her claustrophobia. "Getting us out of here as soon as possible would be great."

"Don't worry, we're on our way. We'll have you out of there in no time, you two just sit tight."

Malcolm sighed and glanced down at Hoshi. He stared at the ceiling. "You're trying to destroy me," he muttered to himself before reluctantly trying to convince her to loosen her grip. "Hoshi?"

"I'm alright," Hoshi risked opening one eye, then hurriedly let go of Malcolm as she realised what she was doing. "Sorry..."

Malcolm nodded slightly. "It's alright." He almost started to pace before realising that there was nowhere to pace to, and that pacing would probably make Hoshi more nervous. He sat down instead, looking with irritation at the ceiling as if not daring to look at Hoshi. "You should sit down," he said eventually, "Trip and the engineering team will have us out of here soon." He patted the floor space next to him. Hoshi hesitated and took one last worried glance round the turbo-lift before gingerly sitting down.

"Wow...this is awkward," said Hoshi after nearly fifteen minutes of silence.

Malcolm lowered his gaze to look at her; she offered him a worried smile. "Don't worry, it'll be alright," he said quietly.

"I know, but the silence...makes it worse."

Malcolm drew up his knees and rested his arms on them. "What do you want to talk about then?"

Hoshi mirrored his position. "Anything."

Malcolm stared at her a moment conflicting emotions flitting across his face. "Even us?" He asked softly, suddenly painfully aware of her proximity to him.

Hoshi blinked. "There is no us," she said quickly, looking away from him. "I'm married, to your best friend - remember?"

Malcolm laughed bitterly. "How could I forget?"

There were thuds from outside the turbo-lift and the sound of muffled conversation. Hoshi sighed in relief. "Looks like Engineering's here."

Malcolm rose to his feet and pulled Hoshi up after him. They were stood mere centimetres apart, their faces so close that they could feel the other's breath on their cheek. "If," Malcolm hesitated, "If I had told you, told you everything before you started dating Trip..."

Hoshi lowered her head, "Malcolm -"

"If I had told you..."

The noises outside the turbo-lift got louder. Hoshi looked between Malcolm and the door. "Please, Malcolm, don't do this to yourself -"

"If I had told you, would you have had me instead?" He gazed into her eyes a mixture of hurt, love and longing on his face.

"Why are you doing this?" Hoshi whispered pleadingly. "Why does it matter anymore? You didn't tell me, you kept quiet, so I moved on and found Trip. Why must you do this?"

Malcolm closed his eyes. "Just answer me, please. Would you have had me?"

Hoshi rested her head against his chest for the briefest of moments, her eyes tightly squeezed shut. The noises outside the turbo-lift seemed to become closer.

"In a heartbeat."

Hoshi lifted her head and gazed at his face. Stepping away from him she straightened her uniform. "But you didn't, did you." Malcolm watched her search his face one more time before her expression closed off from him as she turned away.

Behind Malcolm the turbo-lift door opened to reveal Trip's smiling face at floor level. "Don't worry you two; we just gotta get you down to the deck level, as you can probably tell you missed the mark a bit." He grinned and leaned on the turbo-lift floor. "You doing alright, Hosh?"

Hoshi smiled and knelt down to give him a quick kiss. "I'll be better when I'm out of here," she said injecting false brightness into her voice.

Trip's eyes twinkled. "Mal borin' ya already?"

Malcolm was barely even paying attention to him, his gaze fixed on the opposite wall of the turbo-lift. Hoshi glanced back at him before turning back to Trip and pasting a smile on her face. "There's only so much you can take about the Armoury. That and being trapped in a stupidly small space."

Trip laughed. "Well you two just hang tight; this'll only take a second. We'll have you out in time for mission briefing."

Malcolm glanced at the ceiling again. "No more," he murmured to himself, "That's it now. Enough."


	4. Look At Us

_I've spent a long time thinking about what Hoshi said to me in the turbo-lift. I've spent weeks thinking about all the choices I've made, all that I've done and whether I would've have done anything different. I'd like to think I would make different choices, given all I know now._

_But I wouldn't._

_I do love Hoshi. I love her with an intensity I've never known before, but I've come to realise that I would never have gone the other way. I would never change things if I had the option. Half of me thinks I would, that I would change everything to be with her, wreck all the friendships I have... even destroy my career for her._

_But I wouldn't._

_I wanted her to look at me. I wanted her to see me instead of him, but she always saw me. Hoshi always knew, she waited as long as she could for me to make a move then finally let me go and moved on. Hoshi looked at me, saw me and knew I would never act._

_If I had truly seen her before I would have known this. But instead I spent my time tormenting her with my feelings._

_But none of this truly matters anymore._

_They're leaving._

_Trip told me a few days ago, Hoshi's pregnant so naturally she's heading straight back to Earth. Trip is going with her, they're starting a family... and that's why I have to give her up. They're leaving today, a Vulcan ship has come to pick them up. I should go say my goodbyes now I guess._

_But I can't help thinking of the day they married, and how I felt when the Captain said, "Speak now, or forever hold your peace."_

0 0 0 0

Malcolm hot-footed it down the corridor, he was going to miss them if he didn't put his best foot forward. As he rounded the corner he saw them about to climb into the airlock, with Archer and T'Pol watching them go. "Trip! Hoshi!"

They turned to look at him. Malcolm looked at Hoshi, opened his mouth to say something, then faltered and lowered his head. Trip grinned broadly having seemingly not noticed. "It's about time you showed up, I thought you weren't gonna say goodbye."

Malcolm slowed his pace and pasted half a smile onto his face. "I always make my goodbyes, you should know that."

Trip nodded still grinning. Malcolm stuck out his hand. "It's been an honour, Mr Tucker." Trip gripped his hand firmly then pulled him into a hug.

"Thanks," Trip whispered into Malcolm's ear, and as he pulled away from Malcolm he gave him a meaningful look, a little louder he added, "Likewise, Mal."

An odd expression flitted across Malcolm's face and he nodded once. He turned to Hoshi, she leant forward, gave him a tentative kiss on the cheek then hugged him lightly.

"Good luck," said Malcolm. He gave them a half smile, waved once then walked away. Then, when he was out of sight he broke into a run and fled. He eventually found himself in a strangely empty mess hall staring out one of the windows.

0 0 0 0

 _I wanted to tell them everything, I wanted to blurt it all out even though the Captain, T'Pol and Trip were there, I wanted her to be mine. After all I'd thought after all the time I'd spent trying to convince myself to let her go I ran down to that airlock to speak the truth about how I felt. But, when I got there and opened my mouth to speak, I couldn't. I couldn't do it. Instead I made my pathetic goodbyes._

_When Trip said 'Thanks', I suddenly realised that he knew. He knew everything...and was thanking me. Him! Thanking me! Thanking me because he thought I never acted on it._

_I didn't realise I was so transparent._

_I can't believe he thanked me, if I'd have made different choices I would have wrecked his life, tried to entice his wife away. And he thanked me, because I didn't._

_When Hoshi hugged me I didn't want to let go, a world of hurt and all thoughts seemed to silence when she hugged me. But I let go._

_I let her go._

0 0 0 0

Malcolm stood at the window staring out into the stars, as he watched, the ship disengaged from the Enterprise and left. "Speak now, or forever hold your peace," he mumbled to himself. Malcolm rested his forehead against the window a moment, his shoulders shook once. Moments later he brushed a hand across his eyes, glanced around the still empty room, pulled his uniform straight and left for the armoury.

He had work to do.


End file.
